Princess Dotty - 4months +

Dear My Growing Princess

In a blink of an eye you're just over 4months old. For the past couple of days we have both had colds and feeling sorry for ourselves.
Daddy is currently on holiday in Benidorm so we have spent the last two nights at Nanna and Grandpa's house. You was a bit of a pickle last night, you didn't want to sleep and when you finally did your little cough would wake you.

We will be back at Nanna's next week as it's my birthday and Daddy doesn't want me to be alone when I wake up (he will be flying back in the early hours). It's been very strange without Daddy coming home each night and I know you have missed him just as much as I have 💜

Daddy is going to say to you.. 'wow you're so big' because in the last couple of days you've become so chunky, I try to lift you off the floor and have a put extra effort in.

I've started seeing the beginnings of a lovely little personality in you now too. You are easy to make smile but we have a fight on our hands to make you giggle, it has to really catch your attention or be a bit strange to make you giggle. I've found myself jumping round the room making animal noises, blowing raspberries on your belly and playing peekaboo with you but still only cracked a laugh once or twice.

You are so strong on your legs, as soon as you find your balance you'll be walking (scary thought... I will need to childproof everything!!) You hate tummy time, we have managed  couple minutes but it all ends in screams. You like to sit up and can hold yourself now for a couple of minutes beforw losing your balance and slowly slide towards the floor (this is rather amusing to watch)

We have started giving you a little baby rice now, you've also tasted carrot and banana which you seem to like. I think grandpa let you secrerly suck on a custard cream yesterday, I will blame him when you become a cookie monster! They say its best to wait till babies are 6months before starting to wean, milk just doesn't seem to satisfy you though. So everyday you have some rice in the morning and a little fruit in the day, this little bit extra seems to suit you perfectly.

I am so proud of you and I love you so much
To the moon and back
Mummy
xXx

Look Up and Create Memories

Its really sad to read something and realise it applies to you. I saw the quote below and realised I spend along time on my phone.

Not only do I miss my parents for spending to long on my phone, but also my grandparents, partner, daughter and friends.

If you see me, I'm often head down on my phone which thinking about it is really sad to see. Just sitting here typing it hits me that every night when my partner comes home and chills for the evening we both sit with our phones in hand. We miss quality time with each other because we have a habit of scrolling through our phones.

Most of my day is filled with entertaining my daughter which I love but this quote did make me think about her. I use my phone so much that I could be missing her grow and learn, one day I'll look up from my phone and see my 4 month old has turned 3 years old. 

My parents are just as bad as me when it comes to phones and ipads. I will often visit or go to dinner with them and we will all be silent, 'liking' each others statuses of being together in a restaurant.

My grandparents are really old now. The other day it hit me how old they really are, their time now is so so precious. I have some lovely memories with my nanna and grandad, I'm so fortunate to still have them around but I shouldn't be wasting time staring at my phone scrolling aimlessly through Facebook whilst I could be creating more memories. 

I sat a watched my grandad give my daughter a cuddle and it was beautiful, yes I picked up my phone and I took a photo so I could share my memory but after I put my phone down and continued to watch, my daughter look into her great grandads eyes he looked back into hers and they shared a smile. 

We live in the 21st century and I know phones, computers, TV and tablets are a big part of life now. I use my phone for a lot of blogging and photo taking and that's important to me, I love capturing moments and writing things that I might forget but, there's a time and a place to sit and scroll. Its time to learn when its right for me to use my phone and when to focus on my family and friends.

I Can't Say I Agree

A couple of weeks back I read something that a lot of people were reposting and agreeing with. It went a little like this.

   "A lot of men think they are doing women a favour asking for her hand in marriage, but let's think about it.
    - She changes her name.
    - Leaves her family.
    - Moves in with you.
    - Builds a home with you.
    - Gets pregnant for you.
    - Pregnancy changes her body.
    - She gets fat.
    - Almost gives up in labour due to the
       unbearable pains during child birth.
    - Even the children she delivers bear
       your name.

Till the day she dies everything she does (cooking, cleaning your house, bringing up your children, advising you, ensuring you can be relaxed, maintaining family relations) everything that benefits you, sometimes at the cost of her own health, hobbies and beauty.

So who's really doing who a favour?

Being a women is priceless"

I couldn't disagree more.
In a relationship I don't think anyone does anyone a favour. Unless you're asking them to pass you a pen or turn the TV on because they're closer.

I moved in with my partner and left my family, I chose to do that because I want to be with him. But I'm not the only one in this relationship to leave my family. In fact my partner is miles away from his  and I'm 10mins up the road from mine.

As a couple we decided to build a home and have a baby. Before falling pregnant I knew my body was going to change and yes I found that difficult but they are my own issues and I battle them every day. What I did realise is, what a beautiful thing to watch happen, I carried my daughter and as she grew, I grew. I didn't 'get fat' my body was a home, a safe place whilst she was most vulnerable.

As a team we gave birth to our  baby, I may have shouted at him and thought he was useless for placing his attention else where when I was asking for the gas and air back. But, he was there holding my hand as I pushed, as the pain powered through my body, he was there telling me our little girl was going to be there soon and giving me those important words of encouragement.

One day I want to get married to my daughters father and I want to take his name. We are a team and we share experiences. We help each other out and cry on each others shoulders. He cooks and cleans when I've had a busy day entertaining our Princess. I'll make him a coffee and run him a bath whilst he makes the bed and changes our daughters nappy.

We don't do 'favours' for one another, we work together and appreciate how hard the other one works.

Creating a family with someone so special is priceless.

My First Bath

So for the past 3months it's been impossible to have any me time. If I wasn't feeding Princess then she would be demanding attention and rightfully so, if I was a baby and all I have known is being curled up inside and warm hearing my mother voice and feeling her rock, I'd cry when it was gone (and I'm sure I did). As I walk out of rooms I watch her eyes stare at me, watching me be swallowed by the door frame and sucked into another room. Suddenly I'm gone and she doesn't understand. Most of my days are filled with cuddles and play time together on the play mat. I love every moment I spend with my Princess but I miss painting my nails, doing my hair and make up and relaxing in a bubble bath.

So for the first time my partner took our LO out. Now she's having bottles it makes  everything easier.

I thought it would be so easy to relax when Princess was out but I was wrong. I run myself a bubble bath and have a long soak which felt amazing, for a while I did drift off into my own little world. Once I got out I planned to paint my nails, instead I found myself pacing the flat with my mind going wild. I couldn't just sit, I seemed to be waiting for a cry that I knew wasn't going to happen.

After a while I did manage to settle myself, I put my hair up and make up on my face. For the first time in 3months when my partner has told I looked good, I actually felt it.

Clearly bottle feeding does have its perks, I just need to take the time to notice them. I guess another positive is, winters on its way and just the thought of getting my boob out in that weather makes me go cold. Oh and mixing powder and water will be so much quicker than lifting my 14 layers up.

Princess Dotty- The Next Chapter

Dear Aella,

You're going to be 15 weeks old this week, the time really does fly. The last week and a half had been really tough with you, you haven't been playing up, in fact you've been great just things got to much for me!
Then Tuesday came and all day you didn't stop crying, no amount of breast I gave you made you happy. As you lay crying in my arms, I couldn't hold it in any longer and tears began to roll down my cheek. That evening I gave you your first formula feed. For the next few days I was combination feeding you, breast all day except 1 bottle at lunch and another before bed. It seemed to be going well and a routine was appearing. You was a lot more content. For me it was so hard to watch you drink from a bottle, I was so used to you in my arms feeding from me.

On Saturday it was your Uncle Reggie's birthday, so we went up to Milton Keynes to surprise him. We went up with just one bottle, there was no need for more as you had me. 2pm came and you had your feed from the bottle. Uncle Reggie, Cousin Teddy, Nanna and me all shared feeding you. It did feel good to be able to drink my coffee and eat my muffin with both hands free.
It was about 5.30pm you began to moan for your next feed, so I laid you down in my arms like I always did before a feed, lifted my top and unclipped my bra. I tried to help you latch but you continued to cry, I thought maybe you wasn't hungry or you was too worked up to feed. I rocked you and calmed you and attempted again but you just screamed.

We arrived back at the hotel that Nanna was staying in and I didn't want to believe this was it for breastfeeding, I sat on the bed and gave latching you on one more go but you didn't want any of it. All I could do was cry, the last thing that we shared was over. Our quality time, over. Our special little connection, over. I know now none of this is true but it's how I felt went it was all happening. You didn't give me any warning signs it all just happened within a couple hours.

Sunday morning I managed to latch you on but I knew it was the last time you would feed from me. I also knew the only reason you latched was because my boob was very full, this was a goodbye to breastfeeding.
Over the last couple days it had been really hard. Most of the time I'm seeing the positives to bottle feeding but I do have moments I miss you close to me. It's difficult when I go to feed you and your searching for breast but I know you won't latch. Every part of me tells me to pull up my top for you but I know I would be teasing myself, I know its not what you want anymore. Feeding from the bottle is easier for you and you get a full feed

If I even tried to continue breastfeeding you it would of only been for selfish reasons. You don't want it anymore and you're moving onto something that fills you up better than what I could do. Maybe you realised as well that Mummy needs to look after herself too. It has been difficult to get all the calaries in for me and you. I will admit I was a little disappointed in myself that I couldn't reach 6months feeding you but I'm also proud of where I got considering I didn't want to whilst I was pregnant with you. I'm happy that I've giving you the best start to life.
I know there will be loads more things we will bond over and enjoy together. I guess this is the next chapter of your life.
I love you
To the moon and back

Love Mummy
      xXx

Princess Road Trip

Last week I went up to visit my in laws. It was lovely to see everyone, they all loved seeing Princess Dotty and couldn't believe how big she's gotten. Just because we live far apart doesn't mean they should miss out on our princess growing up! Before I gave birth I always said I would visit even if my partner couldn't get time off work, it's only fair for PD to see all her family.

I arrived on Wednesday afternoon. A journey that was meant to take 2.45mins  took 4 hours! I had a screaming, teething Princess in the back of the car meaning I had to stop twice. Other than that the journey was good.  My MIL made me a roll as soon as I got there, I hadn't eaten since breakfast and it wad already 1.50pm.
Considering I don't see my in laws all that often I feel so comfortable  in their company, I feel like I can be myself around them and not have to try to impress them.

It was  a nice chilled evening and I was hoping Princess would show off how well she sleeps at night, she didn't! Fortunately no one was woken by her and I could settle her reasonably quick. This went for the next night too, I can only guess it was because she was teething and it kept waking her up.

Thursday we went to the Museum of Lincolnshire Life. There was great little play area for children in the centre and a café so you can get lunch.  It's only a small place but makes a great day out especially when they had a little crafts room. You could make clay pots, sweet necklaces, marzipan lollies and decorate biscuits. Once Princess is older this will definitely be a place I would go again!

It was only a short stay, Friday came and it was time to go home but before I did I went to Waitrose Café  with my MIL to meet her friend. Another new person for Princess to be introduced to, she's a very popular little girl and she's only 3months old. I had a really yummy gluten free cookie whilst I was there which I kept the packaging to. I want to see if I can get more, I haven't tasted a cookie that moist and tasty for a long while.

It was a lovely 3 days away and even though I wasn't nervous about going up alone, I was nervous about the drive as it was the first long one in my own with Princess on board but  I feel even more confident to go up again now.

Breastfeeding

During my pregnancy I always felt uncomfortable thinking about breastfeeding, I know its natural and that's what our boobs are there for but the thought of my baby being latched onto my nipple didn't sound nice. Despite my thoughts I have always said I would give it a go, breastmilk is best for my child. I had to think, if I am capable of breastfeeding what right do I have denying my daughter that milk... its made for her after all. Some may believe I do have a right to decide but all I can say is, my daughters start to life is more important than my thoughts.

Breastfeeding is hard! For the first 3 weeks your nipples burn, so much so that you dread the next feed. You want to cry just before the next feed because you know it's going to hurt, yet the pain is worth it because your little baby is getting the best. Yes in some ways breasfeeding is easier yet its not at the same time, you don't have to make up bottles but you can't share the feed so it's extremely tiring being up all day and all night. I understand why a lot of mothers decide to use formula, it is extremely difficult.

Only recently have I actually enjoyed feeding. It no longer hurts and I can confidently get my daughter to latch on. Yet the thought of feeding in public still makes me a little anxious. I feel like people are staring at me or muttering something to their friends. The more I feed in public the easier it has become, the people I thought were staring and talking about me are actually finding it lovely what I do, I just need to remember to look up and smile and they would smile back at me.
Feeding my little girl has become a special moment, a time we get to spend together. I'm so happy that I gave it a go and pushed through the hard weeks. I feel for all those that would love to but are unable to because it is such a beautiful thing.

My Second Best Buy!

Busy busy!

I haven't written for a week or two. Time seems to of just flown past and I've hardly had time to sit down and enjoy a little me time recently. I think with Princess teething it's made it very difficult, understandably she's become very clingy, wanting to be held and rocked all day.
Last week she had a good week, she was beginning to get settled again then the drooling and the rosie cheeks were back.

When I can get her to play it's brilliant, she really enjoys herself but for very short periods of time. I've noticed she hates laying down front or back. She wants to be in on what's going on. So sitting her up on my knee it is. The sling I have is perfect for when she tired I can tie her in and have both hands free to get on with things. But when it's a warm day or if she wants to look around, it's not so great!
I then remember a little seat my cousin had when her children were young. On to eBay I went and found myself a mamas and papas baby snug! I have to say it's the second best thing I have decided to purchase. Not only does she enjoy sitting in it and able to see everything going on, I can get so much done. What would normally take me all day or sometimes 3 days, has taken me half hour.
I managed to
-put some clothes on (yep, I just got out the shower and Princess needed me.. so other than underwear, clothes were out the question)
-put the TV on (surprisingly this took 10minutes, I'm looking after the dog at my parents, everything is so different to home)
- run water for washing up
-pulled the washing in
-put the washing out
-put a new load of washing on
-made a coffee

Ok it sounds like a really small list but for me, that's the most jobs I've managed to do in half hour for 11 weeks!

I know everyone says you can do the cleaning another day, but if you go by that saying then when does another day come... It doesn't. It just mounts up, to the point  you become irritable because you can't me a sandwich without putting your hand it spilt ketchup and having 6 days worth of washing up around you.

I can now clean up in the morning and have the rest of the day stress free playing and having cuddles. Perfect! (I never thought I would get so exciting over being able to do house work!!)

Princess Dotty- teething

Lots of cuddles!

This week you've been teething! At first I thought you were poorly but doing a little research and asking some advice I realised my first thoughts were incorrect.
I can turn away for 2 minutes and your whole outfit is wet from your dribble. You can't  stop sucking or having a chomp on anything. You've been irritable and very unsettled but with lots of singing a rocking both daddy and I have managed to put a smile on your face. 
If I could take the pain away I would, I'd grow your teeth for you so you didn't have the pain of them pushing through. Unfortunately  that's not possible so ill be here to give you cuddles and kisses.

Love you to the moon and back
Mummy
   xXx

Princess Dotty- Immunisations

Today you got your 8 week jabs. I must say I felt really mean, whilst I walked you in I was talking to you and you was smiling away back at me! You had no clue what was about to happen (which is a good thing really!) 

We went to see the doctor first and he was really happy with you, no problems so far. 

Then we went into see the nurses. Your first was a medicine, which was extremely funny to watch you taste. Your lips turned out and your whole body shivered as if you just had something really sour (although this was meant to be sweet). Next was your jabs, one in each thigh, fortunately there was 2 nurse which meant they could do them at same time. I watched and you flinched and a ear piercing cry 5 seconds later. 

You was such a brave girl, as soon as it was over I gave you a big cuddle. The only thing that comforted you though  was your dummy, that soon sent you off to sleep. 

Since your injections you have had a few cries (which I expected) and slept extremely well. You have a fever which I've given you some medicine for (that was sweet too, you decided to spit that all out! Maybe your like daddy and dislike sweet things) 

You're fast asleep in your cot now and I can't sleep, I laying awake just wanting to give you a cuddle and make the horrible fever go away. You did so well today! 

Now your first lot of immunisations are done it means you can go swimming *yay* I'm so excited! You seem to like bath time to let's hope you like the swimming pool just as much, if not more. 

I love you

To the moon and back

Mummy

   xXx

100 Days Of Happiness Challenge

Can I be happy for 100 days? 

Since Princess Dotty being born I've learnt that you can have very good days, which is most days. A lot of the time I feel great and everything has gone great throughout the day. Then there's bad days, sometimes you feel like curling up in a ball and not wanting to come out until things are better. It's very hard when you have those bad days to pull something good from it, so that's my challenge. 

For the next 100 days I'm going to post a picture on my Instagram @misschandlersworld 

Of things that make me happy that day.

So it starts today! Day 1, I went for a lovely evening walk. My mum suggested it as the sun was shining and it was still warm out. It was lovely to be out the house, stretching my legs, getting some fresh air and spending some time with my mum, partner and daughter... Oh and don't forget Kea the dog. 

Beautiful evening! 

Princess Dotty- 8weeks

Times gone so quickly! 

You're 8weeks old today and you weigh 11lbs 8oz. Up unless about 4pm you had been as good as gold, I went to the shops and left you and Daddy at home, it was his first time being alone with you. When I had got back I found out you had been a bit of a monkey and not done much sleeping! And from then on the rest of the day was tough. 

It's now 10.45pm and I have only just managed to put you down to sleep, you must be shattered because you haven't had enough sleep today. 

 You've changed so much since you were born and I know you will continue to change as time goes on. 

You can hold your own head, and your legs are extremely strong too. Every morning Daddy and I are woken up by your cooing, you like little chats and often have then with us. You're definitely a cheeky monkey, when/if you have a night feed(Some nights you've gone without I ne) you look into my eyes and smile as if you're telling me you're ready for play time, but mummy is extremely tired and wants to go back to bed. Although I can't help but smile back at you. 

Your charactor is blossoming, I'm now starting to learn what you do and don't like, what to do to make you smile. How you sound when you want a feed and when you're tired. It's becoming normal now that every morning you wake up all smiles and we often have a 10min chat, then you get bored and we have to find something else to entertain you. 

One Tuesday (5days time) you have you first jabs, I must say I'm a little nervous! I can already guess you're not going to like it one bit, hearing you cry because something's hurting you is going to be hard, but I'll make sure I give you the biggest cuddle after! 

I love you so much Princess 

To the moon and back

Mummy

     X 

So little time!

So today I woke up to the chatter of Princess Dotty (this happens most mornings now, it melts my heart everytime). So the morning started off good. The day still is good, I'm currently on the sofa with my Princess sleeping on my lap. 

But..

Earlier there was a 20min period where the flat was irritating me. I had washing all over the place, sides full of washing up and a pile of paperwork that been there since before PD was born. 

I know everyone tells you to forget the house work for a while, that can be done another day and forget all the things that need doing, they can wait. There comes a time when you just want to do clear it. 

Fortunately PD fell asleep and I was able to go through the massive pile of paperwork!!

I've still got house work to do but that can wait now, just doing one little bit made me feel so much better! Plus someone woke up just as I was finishing the first job (perfect timing!). I couldn't resist a cuddle as she was chatting away to herself.

It's the first time in a long while I've got irritated, I almost felt claustrophobic as if the place was to cluttered. There's just so much to do and such little time to squeeze it in!

I've now decided to write a list of what needs to be done, I can slowly tick things off as and when I do them :) 

A little treat

During my pregnancy I didn't get myself any new clothes (ok maybe some jeans because none of mine fitted!!). I didn't see the point in getting anything stylish or nice because whatever I bought would only fit me for a small time, I would get to big for it or now having given birth I'd be to small. 

I never wanted to buy maternity clothes, 2 reasons. 1. You spend a maximum of 9months in these clothes that you spent a fortune and it wasn't something you particularly liked. 2. I couldn't ever find nice maternity clothes, they always looked frumpy or just a bit plain. Again you have to spend a fortune on them yet not really liking them. 

Maybe I never found anything that would suit me because I didn't go out my way to find them. 

So over the past couple of weeks I've been treating myself to shopping trips. I'm now back into my size 8 jeans, I still have a but of toning on the tummy to do but I've been feeling a little more comfortable and confident. 

I been really wanting to update my wardrobe for a while, I wanted to be a little more fashionable. I have a habit of wearing jeans and a vest top. 

So here's some of the clothes I got. 

(Please excuse the quality of the photos)

Relationships are hard..

.. But having a baby is harder

We all know relationships are hard, there's always arguments and tough times. One of you might storm out the house in a huff. The majority of the time the arguments are pointless and other times they might need more than just a cuddle to say sorry (flowers are always nice, unless I'm the one in the wrong). 

Or you might have issues where you need the other to support you. It could be a bad day at work and you need to talk about it, a family issue and you need that shoulder to cry on, or issues with yourself that can get you so low you need someone to stand by you 100% of the way.

All these things have a massive strain on relationships and can break you are make you. When it makes you, you know each other extremely well. You know what makes each other tick, what the right buttons to push are (and the wrong ones), you know how to make that person feel good about themselves and know what to say and when to say nothing and listen.

When it's just two of you, you are each others worlds. Everything you do is either for yourself or them. When you decide to bring a new little life into the world, the whole dynamics of your relationship changes. It isn't all about you anymore, it's about the baby. Everything you do is for that little one, you go to bed late, wake up in the night and get up early to feed and settle them. Through out the day whilst attempting to have a shower, feed yourself or trying to pick up the mess you've created, you are looking after you baby and when they need you, nothing else matters (the first 3 days of Princess Dotty being here, I didn't brush my hair, brush my teeth or shower... gross, I know!!). What starts happening is, you forget there's 3 to this family (when you're a first time mummy and daddy that is). 

On top of trying to juggle life at home, you still have to work at your relationship but its often forgotten. Up until 2 days ago, my partner and I had forgotten each other. We forgot that we needed to work as a team, forgot to have a laugh, forgot to have a cuddle just us two, forgot to talk to each other about our feelings and how our days had been. Tension between us grow, it grew enough for me to walk out for the night. It was an extremely hard and painful decision but both my partner and I agreed it was the best thing I could of done. 

It allowed us both time to think, time away to miss each other, time to realise how much we wanted each other. It reminded us, each other matter and that we needed to make time for each other and help each other out. 

There's many things my partner had forgotten or not realised I needed, but he isn't the only one at fault. I spend everyday with my daughter but he doesn't get that, he has to wake up in the morning whilst she sleeping, kisses her on her head and leaves for work. Spends 15 hours out the house, only to return to her sleeping. Sometimes he gets in but it's not long till she's drifting off to sleep again or crying for food. Although he does get a little to spend with her and show her as much love as he can in that small time. It still must be hard on him. I can see how much he loves our daughter and would love more time with her, but at the end of a long days work and another one to wake up to he's shattered. Yet he still manages to cook, clean and put some washing on when I haven't managed to during the day. I appreciate everything he does (just as he does me) but I'd forgotten to tell him. 

Being parents isn't easy and we realise we need to support each other because we are both going to have hard days, but we remember that everything that gets us down not only do we have each other for support and a cuddle, we have a beautiful baby girl to make us smile.

To my Partner and my Princess Dotty,

I love you both very much!

              xxx

Princess Dotty - 5 weeks

Our Little Piglet 

There's not been a day gone by that I haven't been proud of you! In the first week it was every burp; all of them would make me smile and feel so happy, I'm sure when you get to 18 sitting at the dinner table burping I won't be so impressed. Now at 5 weeks old and you have already learnt to smile and chatter away to yourself, it melts my heart every time you do it. 

The first 3 days with you was difficult for me. When you talk to people about child birth, a lot of mothers mention about the burst of love they feel when their tiny bundle of joy is born and gets placed onto their chest. Unfortunately for some, including me don't feel it. I don't think it helped that I hadn't slept in over 33 hours. When Nanna and Grandpa visited the hospital I was happy to let them hold you for ages, in my mind I knew I would have you for the rest of the night but to Nanna this was a warning sign. 

Over the next couple of days I made sure I looked after you, fed you, changed you, cleaned you and tried to show you love, whilst trying to catch up on sleep. I had Daddy looking after me, making me breakfast, lunch and dinner and he would also do all the house work. I wanted to do the house work but Daddy wouldn't let me do anything. The first couple of weeks are such a blur now, everything seems to merge into one day. I can't remember not feeling love for you or what I felt like when I think back but I can remember the day I fell in love with you! 

It was on day 3 that we had a family cuddle on the bed, I looked and you and Daddy having a cuddle and I couldn't help but cry. I had an overwhelming urge to cuddle you and have you close, to look at your tiny hands, and just sit and watch you sleep, you was perfect (and still are). I then realised this was the rush of love people always speak about. I sat with you alone on my chest for 2 hours crying, I couldn't believe for the last 3 days I hadn't felt this way about you, that made me cry even more thinking what I had missed. I guess I felt guilty and sad, those first few days of your life and I hadn't shown you the love you deserved. 
During the next couple of days I was very honest with Daddy and Nanna, I told them both how I had been feeling. Nanna had already been worrying and for the next week asked me how I felt about you. After talking it out it made me realise that I couldn't continue thinking about those 3 days, all I could do is make sure I cherish every moment with you now. 

Oh and that rush (of love) never stops rushing, every time I look at you now, I can't help but smile and just want to pick you up and cuddle you in close. Every time I look at you and watch you smile at me whilst I fall more and more in love. 

I am sorry that I didn't feel that love for you straight away, I did know I loved you but just couldn't feel it. But now I'm completely in love with you. You are my world, I didn't think it was possible to be happier with my life but I am. Every new thing you do,every time you cry and every time you look in my eyes and smile, when you chatter away to yourself. It's all worth getting up everyday for. 

My beautiful Princess

I love you to the moon and back

Mummy

    x

Like a child at Christmas!

I think I've found the one!

As a new mummy I needed a new changing bag. I already have one that matches the pram but after using it for a few weeks, i've decided its to small and doesn't have enough compartments to keep things organised.

I never realised how expensive changing bags were until shopping for one, I guess I've gotten used to cheap high street clothes, accessories and bags. One thing I should be used to is variety, we all know how many different kinds of bags but for some reason I was shocked at the variety of changing bags you can buy. Obviously this caused a problem when choosing one, was I to get one that both my partner and I could use or a really girlie one that he wouldn't want to be see carrying. Finally after a week of searching I have found one and I'm in love with it, its from the make Lassig.

My partner told me I was like a child at Christmas when I was emptying out the old changing bag and organising it into the new. It is the perfect back though! 

The travel changing mat had a zip away compartment at the bottom of the back which is easy for you to locate when needed and perfectly hidden when it's not in use. 

Inside the bag there two pockets, one for nappies and the other for wipes. The wipes pocket has an opening on the front so you don't need to remove them from your bag. On the opposite side there's and easy wipe pocket, that's great for wet or dirty clothes in, you can zip them away and wipe once you're home. 

The bag also includes a bottle insulater and a smaller baby, that's perfect to put all my belongings in making it easy to locate my keys, purse and phone. 

Not only does this bag have all these great features but it's also huge inside, so I can fill in full of everything I need for a day out, perfect! 

Dear Princess Dotty

Dear Princess Dotty 

You're 6 days over due. Time seems to have flown by! Although now it's beginning to drag now.

I remember telling your Nanna Colette I was pregnant (daddy will have to tell you stories of how he told Nanna Bev). I took her out to a tea room for tea and scones in Writtle (a lovely little place) that morning I had told her I hurt myself running and that this time it was to close to the date of the marathon. There was 3 weeks till Marathon day and 8weeks till I originally wanted to tell her (you was going to be mine and daddy's secret for 12 weeks) I knew I wasn't going to be able to keep it up! So I confessed, told her I hadn't hurt myself, her face dropped and she looked like she wanted to cry, she looked confused, couldn't understand why I would lie to her. Before she could say anything to me I was already in tears (of happiness) and blurted it out, I've never seen a expression change so quickly! A smile grew and I could see the excitement in her eyes. 

At 12weeks we got to see you for the first time and it was incredible! Although I worked myself up a little and was on the verge of a panic attack before we had left the flat. It was the not knowing. This was the first time I would see you and for the first time I would know you was ok. When I saw you. I couldn't help but smile, seeing that little heart beat of yours on the screen was amazing. I think Daddy was secretly trying not to cry (don't tell him I told you that!) 

Since then I have counted down the weeks till you're here, till I can hold you for the first time and see your little face. There has been days where you have worried me, days that you have put a smile upon my face, given me sleepless night and now aches an pain in places I didn't know you could get them! I'm sure daddy would mention my mood swings and how every night I become a grump, moaning about everything possible. He would mention the times I would cry for no reason and how much of a drama queen I have been in the last few weeks. 

Already you are something so precious to daddy and I. We can't explain our love for you, a love that is only going to grow deeper. 

Feel free to show any day now! Everyone is getting impatient and wants to see your little face. 

Lots of love 

Mummy

   XxX

Dear Dan

This is a little letter I have written to my partner. I share it, not to boast about my relationship or to let everyone know how much I love him, but as a reminder to myself that he puts a smile on my face everyday.
I've recently read, that often after giving birth women can dislike their partners for a few weeks and everything they do annoys them. I wanted something I can read back just incase :)
Our life's are about to change, I know it's going to be tough, there's going to be pointless arguments,  stress and I'm  sure a lot of sleep less nights but  I don't want to forget what a  he really means to me.

Dear Dan 

I never thought I would be where I am now. I've experience so much and tried so much more because of your encouragement.
I remember when you asked me to move in with you and I think I changed my mind 2 or 3 times before I come to the decision I would. It was the scariest but most exciting day, I remember getting upset because I'd left home and was creating a new one, but you come home (with flowers I think) and comforted me, understood that it wasn't because I thought I'd made a bad decision but because it was a big step in my life. I was used to coming home to Kea greeting me at the door and the TV on with people in, but now everything was quiet and lights where off. It took some time to settle in but Dan you made it so much easier, together we made that tiny flat become ours and our little home.
Moving in with you happened very quickly but it was the best decision I ever made! We had some crappy times but every single one has allowed us to learn each others boundaries and respect each others space as well as understanding each others needs. Living together in a studio flat was going to be make or break for us but we managed it and it's given us what we have now!

I'm 38 weeks  pregnant, I'm enjoying putting my feet up and having some me time before our little one arrives. This time last year I'd ran the marathon and was planning to run my 2nd! I had a lot of motivation through my training from a few people and you was one of them, you encouraged me to train and kept me going, unclipped my sports bra when my arms were to tired to reach round, got me some water and undone my trainers. On the big day just seeing your face made me want to finish, it gave me that little boost to carry on. This year I'm certainly going to need that support again and maybe a hand to squeeze!
Just like I have, you've watched my body change, you know how hard I have found it and but you have reminded me everyday that I'm beautiful.  For the last 2 years you've been incredible helping me through a tough time with my weight. I've never been overweight and I know that now. I was never happy with the way I looked, I wasn't comfortable in my own skin. There was always something that could be better but you always insisted I was beautiful just the way I was.
When we decided we wanted children I never knew what impact it would have on my body or how I would react. It's been a bit of a roller coaster. Ive had to change the way I think and go with the flow, you've been there to talk me through that. You put your arms around me when I've been upset and you've taught me to love my bump and love the way I look now.

Dan thank you for everything you have done and continue to do. I know I can be a handful, I become a brat and a moody cow at times (more like every night for the last 2 weeks) but somehow you manage to snap me out of it (usually going to bed a leaving me to sulk hehe) We have got so many incredible memories together and so many more to create.

I love you
       x

Falling into place

Who are you 

I don't have a relationship with my father. He's not a nasty man, he's just made bad decisions in life, one of them being he doesn't want me in his life and it's only recently I've realised I don't need or want him in mine.
Some people won't understand how I can feel this way, they can't imagine life without their father involved in it.
I've cried so many tear over a man that has given me so little. Spending a lot of time thinking of how to catch his attention and neglecting the attention I had from people that really mattered. I've had a number of chats with my mother asking advice, she always said I had to do what I felt was right and what would make me happy.
When I thought of writing to my father something always stopped me, I don't know if I just forgot and it didn't seem important or because I didn't want the hassle or maybe it was the thought of being hurt so badly again.
I was looking online recently and it was something that someone had written that made everything fall into place. I realised I wasn't getting upset about my father, he's means nothing to me. I don't know who he is and he knows nothing about me! He doesn't know my favourite colour, what I like to wear or what makes me laugh the most. One man that does is my step father. He was the reason I was getting upset, if I was to see my real father I felt like I would be replacing the one I already had, the one that knows me best, the one that knows when I need a cuddle and knows what makes me smile.
My step father entered my life at 6 years old and has never turned his back, has helped me through some extremely hard times. He's seen me fall apart, he stood by me and help put everything back together, then watched me blossom and become the women I am today.
A man that entered my life at a young age accepted me when my father throw me away, so why now should I give my father back what he never wanted in his life 12 years ago. He made a bad decision  and unfortunately for him,  "Sorry",  "I miss you" or  "I think of you all the time" just won't cut it. He's not welcome here.  There's so much more to life and  more important things I have to spend time thinking about ..
Goodbye  father

Family is so much more than blood. Just because you're blood related, doesn't mean you have to like them or want them to surround you. We choose who we want to be around and they become our family.

Simone
    X