Tuesday, 19 January 2016

Dear Anxiety

Dear Anxiety

Writing to you is like writing a beautiful love letter, only the opposite! It's hard to find the exact words to express how you make me feel.
I've already tried writing this letter 6 times but nothing I write seems to portray my emotions well enough.

You seem to love me, but the feeling isn't mutual! In fact I despise you. You try to control my life, stop me from living and having fun. When I go out, I feel you there. I know you're waiting for a moment when i'm not concerntrating to consume me, to make me feel that dreaded feeling in the pit of my stomach. My belly churning and the feeling of panic serging through my body, I hear my heart beat thudding through my ears and my blood pumping through veins hitting the tips of my fingers. You make me feel like I can't breath, like a golf ball is wedged in my throat.

Anything I do, I have already analysed what might happen and made a list of questions that will never be answered and worry about things that are so unlikely to happen.

You make it hard to explain to friends and family how I'm feeling, sometimes I myself am confused. I can feel extremely lost and lonely because no one can relate to me, I sometimes distance myself from people and shut the ones closest to me out.
I refuse to let you become me, I will not let you take over my mind and my feelings. Sometimes for a short time you will succeed but I will always regain control. One day I will have learnt to control you so that you don't make me feel the way I do on a daily basis. 


Monday, 12 October 2015

Princess Dotty - 4months +

Dear My Growing Princess

In a blink of an eye you're just over 4months old. For the past couple of days we have both had colds and feeling sorry for ourselves.
Daddy is currently on holiday in Benidorm so we have spent the last two nights at Nanna and Grandpa's house. You was a bit of a pickle last night, you didn't want to sleep and when you finally did your little cough would wake you.

We will be back at Nanna's next week as it's my birthday and Daddy doesn't want me to be alone when I wake up (he will be flying back in the early hours). It's been very strange without Daddy coming home each night and I know you have missed him just as much as I have 💜

Daddy is going to say to you.. 'wow you're so big' because in the last couple of days you've become so chunky, I try to lift you off the floor and have a put extra effort in.

I've started seeing the beginnings of a lovely little personality in you now too. You are easy to make smile but we have a fight on our hands to make you giggle, it has to really catch your attention or be a bit strange to make you giggle. I've found myself jumping round the room making animal noises, blowing raspberries on your belly and playing peekaboo with you but still only cracked a laugh once or twice.

You are so strong on your legs, as soon as you find your balance you'll be walking (scary thought... I will need to childproof everything!!) You hate tummy time, we have managed  couple minutes but it all ends in screams. You like to sit up and can hold yourself now for a couple of minutes beforw losing your balance and slowly slide towards the floor (this is rather amusing to watch)

We have started giving you a little baby rice now, you've also tasted carrot and banana which you seem to like. I think grandpa let you secrerly suck on a custard cream yesterday, I will blame him when you become a cookie monster! They say its best to wait till babies are 6months before starting to wean, milk just doesn't seem to satisfy you though. So everyday you have some rice in the morning and a little fruit in the day, this little bit extra seems to suit you perfectly.

I am so proud of you and I love you so much
To the moon and back

Tuesday, 22 September 2015

Look Up and Create Memories

Its really sad to read something and realise it applies to you. I saw the quote below and realised I spend along time on my phone.
Not only do I miss my parents for spending to long on my phone, but also my grandparents, partner, daughter and friends.
If you see me, I'm often head down on my phone which thinking about it is really sad to see. Just sitting here typing it hits me that every night when my partner comes home and chills for the evening we both sit with our phones in hand. We miss quality time with each other because we have a habit of scrolling through our phones.
Most of my day is filled with entertaining my daughter which I love but this quote did make me think about her. I use my phone so much that I could be missing her grow and learn, one day I'll look up from my phone and see my 4 month old has turned 3 years old. 
My parents are just as bad as me when it comes to phones and ipads. I will often visit or go to dinner with them and we will all be silent, 'liking' each others statuses of being together in a restaurant.

My grandparents are really old now. The other day it hit me how old they really are, their time now is so so precious. I have some lovely memories with my nanna and grandad, I'm so fortunate to still have them around but I shouldn't be wasting time staring at my phone scrolling aimlessly through Facebook whilst I could be creating more memories. 
I sat a watched my grandad give my daughter a cuddle and it was beautiful, yes I picked up my phone and I took a photo so I could share my memory but after I put my phone down and continued to watch, my daughter look into her great grandads eyes he looked back into hers and they shared a smile. 

We live in the 21st century and I know phones, computers, TV and tablets are a big part of life now. I use my phone for a lot of blogging and photo taking and that's important to me, I love capturing moments and writing things that I might forget but, there's a time and a place to sit and scroll. Its time to learn when its right for me to use my phone and when to focus on my family and friends.

Friday, 18 September 2015

I Can't Say I Agree

A couple of weeks back I read something that a lot of people were reposting and agreeing with. It went a little like this.
   "A lot of men think they are doing women a favour asking for her hand in marriage, but let's think about it.
    - She changes her name.
    - Leaves her family.
    - Moves in with you.
    - Builds a home with you.
    - Gets pregnant for you.
    - Pregnancy changes her body.
    - She gets fat.
    - Almost gives up in labour due to the
       unbearable pains during child birth.
    - Even the children she delivers bear
       your name.
Till the day she dies everything she does (cooking, cleaning your house, bringing up your children, advising you, ensuring you can be relaxed, maintaining family relations) everything that benefits you, sometimes at the cost of her own health, hobbies and beauty.
So who's really doing who a favour?
Being a women is priceless"
I couldn't disagree more.
In a relationship I don't think anyone does anyone a favour. Unless you're asking them to pass you a pen or turn the TV on because they're closer.
I moved in with my partner and left my family, I chose to do that because I want to be with him. But I'm not the only one in this relationship to leave my family. In fact my partner is miles away from his  and I'm 10mins up the road from mine.
As a couple we decided to build a home and have a baby. Before falling pregnant I knew my body was going to change and yes I found that difficult but they are my own issues and I battle them every day. What I did realise is, what a beautiful thing to watch happen, I carried my daughter and as she grew, I grew. I didn't 'get fat' my body was a home, a safe place whilst she was most vulnerable.
As a team we gave birth to our  baby, I may have shouted at him and thought he was useless for placing his attention else where when I was asking for the gas and air back. But, he was there holding my hand as I pushed, as the pain powered through my body, he was there telling me our little girl was going to be there soon and giving me those important words of encouragement.
One day I want to get married to my daughters father and I want to take his name. We are a team and we share experiences. We help each other out and cry on each others shoulders. He cooks and cleans when I've had a busy day entertaining our Princess. I'll make him a coffee and run him a bath whilst he makes the bed and changes our daughters nappy.
We don't do 'favours' for one another, we work together and appreciate how hard the other one works.
Creating a family with someone so special is priceless.

Wednesday, 16 September 2015

My First Bath

So for the past 3months it's been impossible to have any me time. If I wasn't feeding Princess then she would be demanding attention and rightfully so, if I was a baby and all I have known is being curled up inside and warm hearing my mother voice and feeling her rock, I'd cry when it was gone (and I'm sure I did). As I walk out of rooms I watch her eyes stare at me, watching me be swallowed by the door frame and sucked into another room. Suddenly I'm gone and she doesn't understand. Most of my days are filled with cuddles and play time together on the play mat. I love every moment I spend with my Princess but I miss painting my nails, doing my hair and make up and relaxing in a bubble bath.

So for the first time my partner took our LO out. Now she's having bottles it makes  everything easier.

I thought it would be so easy to relax when Princess was out but I was wrong. I run myself a bubble bath and have a long soak which felt amazing, for a while I did drift off into my own little world. Once I got out I planned to paint my nails, instead I found myself pacing the flat with my mind going wild. I couldn't just sit, I seemed to be waiting for a cry that I knew wasn't going to happen.

After a while I did manage to settle myself, I put my hair up and make up on my face. For the first time in 3months when my partner has told I looked good, I actually felt it.

Clearly bottle feeding does have its perks, I just need to take the time to notice them. I guess another positive is, winters on its way and just the thought of getting my boob out in that weather makes me go cold. Oh and mixing powder and water will be so much quicker than lifting my 14 layers up.

Monday, 14 September 2015

Princess Dotty- The Next Chapter

Dear Aella,
You're going to be 15 weeks old this week, the time really does fly. The last week and a half had been really tough with you, you haven't been playing up, in fact you've been great just things got to much for me!
Then Tuesday came and all day you didn't stop crying, no amount of breast I gave you made you happy. As you lay crying in my arms, I couldn't hold it in any longer and tears began to roll down my cheek. That evening I gave you your first formula feed. For the next few days I was combination feeding you, breast all day except 1 bottle at lunch and another before bed. It seemed to be going well and a routine was appearing. You was a lot more content. For me it was so hard to watch you drink from a bottle, I was so used to you in my arms feeding from me.
On Saturday it was your Uncle Reggie's birthday, so we went up to Milton Keynes to surprise him. We went up with just one bottle, there was no need for more as you had me. 2pm came and you had your feed from the bottle. Uncle Reggie, Cousin Teddy, Nanna and me all shared feeding you. It did feel good to be able to drink my coffee and eat my muffin with both hands free.
It was about 5.30pm you began to moan for your next feed, so I laid you down in my arms like I always did before a feed, lifted my top and unclipped my bra. I tried to help you latch but you continued to cry, I thought maybe you wasn't hungry or you was too worked up to feed. I rocked you and calmed you and attempted again but you just screamed.
We arrived back at the hotel that Nanna was staying in and I didn't want to believe this was it for breastfeeding, I sat on the bed and gave latching you on one more go but you didn't want any of it. All I could do was cry, the last thing that we shared was over. Our quality time, over. Our special little connection, over. I know now none of this is true but it's how I felt went it was all happening. You didn't give me any warning signs it all just happened within a couple hours.
Sunday morning I managed to latch you on but I knew it was the last time you would feed from me. I also knew the only reason you latched was because my boob was very full, this was a goodbye to breastfeeding.
Over the last couple days it had been really hard. Most of the time I'm seeing the positives to bottle feeding but I do have moments I miss you close to me. It's difficult when I go to feed you and your searching for breast but I know you won't latch. Every part of me tells me to pull up my top for you but I know I would be teasing myself, I know its not what you want anymore. Feeding from the bottle is easier for you and you get a full feed
If I even tried to continue breastfeeding you it would of only been for selfish reasons. You don't want it anymore and you're moving onto something that fills you up better than what I could do. Maybe you realised as well that Mummy needs to look after herself too. It has been difficult to get all the calaries in for me and you. I will admit I was a little disappointed in myself that I couldn't reach 6months feeding you but I'm also proud of where I got considering I didn't want to whilst I was pregnant with you. I'm happy that I've giving you the best start to life.
I know there will be loads more things we will bond over and enjoy together. I guess this is the next chapter of your life.
I love you
To the moon and back
Love Mummy

Thursday, 27 August 2015

Princess Road Trip

Last week I went up to visit my in laws. It was lovely to see everyone, they all loved seeing Princess Dotty and couldn't believe how big she's gotten. Just because we live far apart doesn't mean they should miss out on our princess growing up! Before I gave birth I always said I would visit even if my partner couldn't get time off work, it's only fair for PD to see all her family.

I arrived on Wednesday afternoon. A journey that was meant to take 2.45mins  took 4 hours! I had a screaming, teething Princess in the back of the car meaning I had to stop twice. Other than that the journey was good.  My MIL made me a roll as soon as I got there, I hadn't eaten since breakfast and it wad already 1.50pm.
Considering I don't see my in laws all that often I feel so comfortable  in their company, I feel like I can be myself around them and not have to try to impress them.

It was  a nice chilled evening and I was hoping Princess would show off how well she sleeps at night, she didn't! Fortunately no one was woken by her and I could settle her reasonably quick. This went for the next night too, I can only guess it was because she was teething and it kept waking her up.

Thursday we went to the Museum of Lincolnshire Life. There was great little play area for children in the centre and a café so you can get lunch.  It's only a small place but makes a great day out especially when they had a little crafts room. You could make clay pots, sweet necklaces, marzipan lollies and decorate biscuits. Once Princess is older this will definitely be a place I would go again!

It was only a short stay, Friday came and it was time to go home but before I did I went to Waitrose Café  with my MIL to meet her friend. Another new person for Princess to be introduced to, she's a very popular little girl and she's only 3months old. I had a really yummy gluten free cookie whilst I was there which I kept the packaging to. I want to see if I can get more, I haven't tasted a cookie that moist and tasty for a long while.

It was a lovely 3 days away and even though I wasn't nervous about going up alone, I was nervous about the drive as it was the first long one in my own with Princess on board but  I feel even more confident to go up again now.